Therapy Duo

Psychotherapy & Counselling for Individuals & Couples

Tag: Attack

  • The Subtle Power of Reflective Listening

    The Subtle Power of Reflective Listening

    Power of Reflective Listening

    In this post we hope to convey the subtle power of reflective listening – a safe and simple technique that couples can learn with us and practice at home.

    Couple Arguments

    When couples come to us saying they have communication issues it is usually due to one or two of the following reasons:

    1. Real-World Issues: such as differences of opinion on money, family, debt, children, blended families, houses.
    2. Attachment Issues. This often shows up in communication as couples fighting about how they fight.
    3. The communication itself: when there is a shortage of empathy, when people don’t listen, when they defend themselves, when they miss security questions.

    Here we’ll describe a simple method we teach to our clients that addresses the third issue above, communication itself.

    What happens in Bad Communication

    If something is important enough to fight about this means it is important for the couple to work on.  A healthy couple listens to their partner’s concerns.  If it matters to one person then it is worth the time needed for the other person to understand.

    Simply put, in bad communication we spend most of our energy getting our point across, or defending ourselves. We don’t listen to the other person. And since we already know what we think, we are learning nothing.

    If the other person is upset it usually means we don’t really understand what is going on for them at a feeling level.

    Reflective Listening

    Reflective Listening is about getting to the heart of the misunderstanding, and finding out (underneath this) what’s actually happening for the other person.

    In Reflective Listening done well we can have the uncanny feeling of suddenly coming to the position of a third person, of breaking through an impasse. The “argument” becomes dissolved because we’re no longer in it – we’ve dropped beneath it in a simple yet subtly powerful way.

    As one partner might say (in a relieved and positive voice) “I had no idea you we’re thinking that!”  or “I had no idea and it makes me really sad to hear you felt that way”.

    How to Do Reflective Listening

    Reflective Listening is effectively a slowed down conversation requiring time and attention.

    Willingness

    • The couple needs to come to this exercise with a real desire to resolve an issue and a willingness to listen
    • They need to be willing to try to experience what the other person is feeling as they speak
    • There has to be a willingness to feel emotions and be honest about those feelings.

    This exercise can help build trust if used correctly.

    Ok, now we can start

    Because it’s a conversation there’s a speaker and a listener. One chooses to speak first while the other listens. (Later, you’ll swap roles.)

    1. The speaker chooses a topic and may start with “I’d like to talk about …”. The speaker uses one short sentence at a time. Remember it has to be short because the other person has to repeat it and feel what it’s like for you.  It also stops long-winded monologues and emotions rising.
    2. The listener just listens, and repeats back what they have heard: “What I heard you say was…”. Note: The listener is not allowed to embellish or give their “side” to the “argument” yet!
    3. The speaker continues, or corrects the listener if what they heard wasn’t quite right. (“What I actually said was…” or “That’s not quite right, I said…”). Note: The listener’s role is important and they should stay very aware and involved. Mere parroting of the speaker will not work!
    4. The speaking / listening sequence continues until the speaker has finished what they wanted to say and feels heard and understood.
    The Step-by-Step of Couple Reflective listening
    The Step-by-Step of Couple Reflective listening

    Swap Roles

    Now it’s time to swap roles. The speaker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker.

    Once the second speaker is done, the first speaker may want to go again.The process continues in this open-ended way until both partners have completed what they wanted to say and both feel they have been listened to correctly (from the feedback they’ve received from the listener).

    Essentially, it’s checking in with ourselves, because we have the time to think about what is most important to say. We are really listening and giving time to understand each other more deeply.

    This process may take anything from 5 minutes or 30 minutes.

    What not to do

    • You should not be thinking about what you want to say while you are listening, because that is not listening!
    • Don’t push for an outcome, it will not work
    • Don’t interrupt
    • Don’t summarise; repeat back what you’ve heard
    • Don’t disagree with the speaker… you’ll have your turn.

    Mastery

    Once you have mastered the skill of Reflective Listening then you can use it in daily interactions, as a single sentence (“So what I’m hearing you say is…”). Just check in when you are not sure you understand what is happening for your partner.

    Or you can ask your partner to reflect back what you have said, if you feel it is important and want to make sure they are not making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.

    Outcomes

    Couples who take the effort to follow the steps of Reflective Listening carefully can be in for some positive surprises. They feel differently after the process. It may take some time and practice at the beginning but it is well worth the effort.

    Once a couple gets familiar with the practice and knows that talking is safe it can be used just to check that you really have understood what is happening for the other person. It ultimately saves a huge amount of time arguing and the pain of feeling misunderstood.

    Reflective listening is simple but takes practice.  It is a way of showing that you want to resolve an issue and not just “have your say”.

    Reflective listening is a way of showing that you want to resolve an issue and not just “have your say”.

    Some couples struggle at the beginning to break their negative habits of interrupting, dismissing and rushing in to fix a problem with a practical solution – rather than staying with their partner while the real answer unfolds. But keep practicing!

    We are of course happy to help couples practice Reflective Listening, but you can also try this at home.

  • The Gold in “Seeing Through”

    The Gold in “Seeing Through”

    Finally Seeing Through!

    We recently received a call from a man, from a troubled couple we’d previously worked with, to say that they were off on an exotic trip to get married!

    The relationship had been characterised by stormy outbursts on the part of the woman, and subsequent anger and retreat on the part of the man. The beast that had been unleashed, when they’d decided to get together, had bewildered both of them.

    And we were gratified that this man felt the work we’d done with them had contributed, in part at least, to this newfound intimacy and wanted to let us know.

    “What made the difference?” we asked.

    “Well” said the man, “It finally clicked that I didn’t have to take her outbursts literally. I started to see them as a cry for closeness and soothing. I started to see through them to the young girl who wanted to be held, told everything is ok, and shown that she is worthy of being loved.”

    “It finally clicked that I didn’t have to take her outbursts literally.”

    What a great place to get to! With this man’s insight and understanding the dynamic between the two of them was changed.

    Of course, if it were always this simple, many more people would come to such realisations and their relationships would be immediately transformed. But the problem is that before this man’s realisation, his negative reactions were so quick, so out of his awareness, that he was unable to do anything other than what he’d always done – withdraw in hurt, to lick his wounds and consider his options.

    And from the woman’s point of view, his seething anger and subsequent withdrawal were evidence of all her fears come true; that in fact she was not capable of being held, that everything was not ok, and that she was in fact unworthy of love.

    Our Work

    Our work in the room had been about slowing down the whole process of their fast and painful cycles of attack and retreat – enough so that they could gain an insight into what each of them was doing.

    Speed is a big negative factor in such out of control couple dynamics. When we are triggered into fight or flight reactions then our old brain (amygdala), on autopilot, takes action below the level of consciousness. And it takes action quickly, to help restore balance for the individual. This individual balance may, however, not serve the relationship.

    That’s why it’s so valuable for couples to get involved in exercises (which we can offer) to slow the negative processes down and show the couple how the processes can be investigated and reconsidered.

    Breaking the Dynamic

    And since this is not a gender issue, it is a valuable lesson for anyone. Each of us has a part that might be trying to get what we need in the way of love and soothing – but we often try in ways that are misread or misunderstood. The man in this case saw through the upset of his partner and was able to not take it personally. And the dynamic can be broken when either person, at any moment, can see through to the part of the other person that is crying out (maybe yelling or throwing a tantrum) for love and understanding.

    The dynamic can be broken when either person, at any moment, can see through to the part of the other person that is crying out…

    This man also felt confused at the responses of his partner to his actions. When the couple could slow down enough to see what was going on, both could see their part and not take it so personally.

    If you can recognise this cycle in your relationship then outside assistance can help break the habit and unconscious responses to each other.

    These can otherwise be so destructive and painful for both parties in a relationship.

  • Go the Other Way

    Go the Other Way

    The Dynamics in Couple Relationships

    We wrote in Being Right and Being Wrong about the dynamics that occur between the partners in a couple relationship, and about going beyond right and wrong.

    We want to go into more depth on this topic. Let’s start with A Course in Miracles, which says:

    Reason will tell you that the only way to escape from misery is to recognise it and go the other way. (T–22.II.4.)

    Let’s Become Aware, then Do Something Different

    Despite repeatedly seeing that there’s something happening with our partner that’s locked and is producing undesirable results (arguments or worse), again and again we batten down the hatches. We take on siege thinking.

    What if we could see another way? What could happen in our relationship if we could really do something different? Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting to get a different result. So, what if we could really listen rather than trying to get our point of view across to the other person; what if we could forgive when we want to blame; what would happen if we could let our defences down when we most want to protect ourselves? A miracle could occur.

    Creative Adaptation

    Why do we repeatedly do what doesn’t work? Because at some point, for a time, it did work. Growing up we had to learn to cope with situations we could not change, with people who had all the power – our parents or other carers. Creative adaptations are ways we learned to cope when we were young, to deal with our environment. In Gestalt we call these “creative” because they worked well in the original situation. But we tend to carry these ways of being on in our lives and expect that they will continue to work. In fact we may no longer even be aware of so doing – adaptations can become such habits that we believe there IS no other way.

    How do we go the other way if we believe what we do works, if we’ve invested in it and it has worked before? We usually try to change the other person. We imagine if they change all will be well and that’s where we invest our energy. And that is what leads to arguments, held positions, stubbornness and pain. Going the other way means seeing what we do, how we defend, what we imagine we will gain; and doing the opposite. It means gently opening up to understanding ourselves and our partner better.

    Going the other way means seeing what we do, how we defend, what we imagine we will gain; and doing the opposite.

    Going the other way means first that we have to recognise and become aware of our beliefs about what we can expect from the environment… or our partner. For example, we may have a belief that if we are vulnerable our partner will use this against us later. Or we may think that if we said what we really feel, or disclose something that is important to us, our partner will judge us or worse, leave us.

    Creative Disagreement

    Maybe we could keep the word “creative” and think about how to use it differently. We support the idea of creative disagreement as an important tool to understanding ourselves and our partners better. Then disagreement can be something welcomed rather than feared. Learning that we can grow closer through difference is often a surprise to our clients, but imagine knowing from experience that you can grow closer and learn rather than feeling that disagreements lead always to full blown arguments, where both get hurt and nothing is actually resolved.

    What people fight about tells a lot about their core values and sense of themselves. If we are not afraid to have a difference of opinion then we can truly build intimacy in a relationship. We can discover all manner of treasures in our partner if we are willing to see how they are different from us. That is part of the beauty of a relationship: not imagining we know everything about the other person (or even that we should) but that there’s always more to discover.

    Finding the Treasure

    But first we have to be willing to go the other way, which means to not defend ourselves against our partner, not blame them for our feelings, not ask them to change to make us more comfortable and less fearful or less jealous. It requires a deep willingness to look at ourselves and discover what the treasure is that we are trying to protect by fighting – and equally be willing to see what the treasure is that our partner is defending. This is where the love is, the intimacy, the delicacy of the relationship. And it requires time, care and attention to allow this to flower and grow.

    The Counter-intuitive Way

    So when we’re finally tired of suffering, when nothing else is working, there is this alternative – go the other way. This means to do the very thing that may seem the most counter-intuitive at the time. It means dropping the attack / defence position we’re holding. And it always entails dropping from the head (thinking) to the heart (feeling). It can only be practiced (rather than just thought about).

    To do the very thing that may seem the most counter-intuitive at the time…

    It Requires Practice

    We’re not saying it is easy to change. It requires patience (towards ourselves and our partner) while digging to find our defences. It requires sensitivity and care not to crush blossoming openness and to trust when our partner is vulnerable. It requires a fierce courage to show all of ourselves when we think we could be criticised or misunderstood.

    But we have supported many couples through this process and travelled this road ourselves. We have experienced this process first hand and have seen miraculous results. If you are willing to go this way, the other way, you too can find a new type of peace in yourself and with others. And if you want some support – you know where to find us!

    (Image: A Knight At the Crossroads, 1878, Viktor Vasnetsov – detail)

  • Being Right and Being Wrong

    Being Right and Being Wrong

    Couple Dynamics

    Don’t come to see us as a couple if you want us to take sides and decide who’s right and who’s wrong!

    We never see couples issues as one person’s fault. They’re a dynamic between two people, and if the dynamic continues to reoccur then both people need to see their part in it. As they say: “it takes two to tango”; and we would say “two for an ongoing conflict”.

    Attack and Defence

    Most people are aware of the ways in which the armies of the world are relentlessly deployed in defence of a policy, an injustice, a religion. These are the fruits of holding a conviction. And who hasn’t also seen similar cycles of attack and defence play out in interpersonal relationships?

    Love and Hate

    It’s within intimate relationships, where unfinished injustices and the guilt of the families we grew up in can live on, that the stakes can become particularly high. We can love and yet in a heartbeat we can also hate and want the other person to experience pain. Maybe it’s the sort of pain we think they have created for us. And all this can remain hidden under a veil of self-righteousness and pride.

    This is heavy stuff! But (in our view) it’s much better to see the situation for what it is, to bring it into the light, rather than to let it remain hidden, where it can spoil the entire family.

    This is our approach to couple dynamics, whether working with the couple together in therapy, or working alone with one of the individuals who wants to bring relationship issues to us.

    Decide Why You’re Coming to Therapy

    We say don’t bother to waste your time and energy in couples therapy if you’re coming to:

    • prove to your partner (or to us) that you’re right and your partner is wrong
    • try to change your partner.

    Instead, we’re interested to see the dynamic that’s operating in the relationship. This is the (mainly unconscious) agreement the two of you have made to negotiate being in the relationship. It’s the driver for what can then appear in that relationship as cycles of attack and defence. We want to uncover the feelings and motivations for the ongoing confusion or pain, not just talk at the surface level about your last argument.

    Are you Willing to Go Further?

    We cannot fix you; and we won’t take sides. But we can help you create a healthy relationship, if you are willing to go past right and wrong to see what is underneath the conflict and pain. We believe you will find it a rewarding experience.