Therapy Duo

Psychotherapy & Counselling for Individuals & Couples

Tag: Tao

  • Accepting Difference

    Accepting Difference

    Difference in Counselling and Psychotherapy

    One of the big themes we see in Counselling and Psychotherapy with both couples and individuals is a difficulty in accepting and dealing with difference, and the conflicts associated with this.

    This post is a short meditation on difference.

    Sometimes Masked in Counselling

    Here are some examples from Counselling that could be signs of underlying difficulties in accepting difference:

    • Someone describes their situation as “I’m feeling disconnected”
    • A couple reports “We have communication issues”
    • A couple wonders “Are we the right match for each other?”.

    Usually difference itself is not the problem.

    Difference is what creates attraction, but it also creates tension. It can be what makes us complementary or the thing that tears us apart.

    Usually difference itself is not the problem. The problem is that we struggle with how to handle difference. We become uncomfortable with it.

    Generally, to deal with our discomfort around difference, we try to:

    • Make ourselves like the other, or
    • Make the other more like us, or
    • Get rid of or emotionally annihilate the other.

    When we change ourselves we lose our authenticity and sense of meaning.

    When we try to change another to be like us we are not seeing the other wholly. We may feel threatened by their different way of thinking or being.

    Not only do we see these attempted solutions playing out in personal relationships, but we see it in business and even global political situations. And countries are very ready to go to war over political/religious difference.

    The Image

    The image we’ve chosen above is of a carved wooden monument set in a place of honour near the house of a clan elder in Madagascar. The idea is that it becomes a focal point for acceptance of changes – important events in village life where accepting difference is required for changes such as puberty.

    (The monument is in the Met Museum, Fifth Avenue, NYC.)

    As the description says:

    Set side by side, these figures engage the viewer with their intense expressions and deeply recessed eyes. Their subtle stylization simultaneously unifies them and amplifies what makes them different, producing an eloquent statement on the fundamental complementarity of man and woman.

    As the centerpiece of circumcision rights performed to promote the virility of each generation, the couple emphasizes the importance of the male-female partnership in assuring the community’s future.

    The figures’ nudity, striking in a region where textiles are a fundamental element of identity, serves to further underscore these timeless and universal themes of fertility and regeneration.

    The quote suggests complimentarity is an important aspect of the life of the community. (The bolding on “different” above are ours.)

    The View of Chuang Tzu

    Moving to a Taoist viewpoint (and continuing our recent theme on the Tao), here’s Chuang Tzu on difference:

    Fish can live in water quite contentedly, but if people try it, they die, for different beings need different contexts which are right and proper for them. This is why the ancient sages never expected just one response from the rest of the creatures nor tried to make them conform.

    Titles should not be over-stretched in trying to capture reality and ideas should be only applied when appropriate…
    (Chapter 18, Perfect Happiness, in The Book of Chuang Tzu.)

    Chuang Tzu was interested in the issue of difference in 300 BC, and even then referred to “the ancient sages”. We are dealing with a very old concern!

    Connection

    The paradox is that connection can only be felt with a space for distance. There needs to be an ability to come together and to pull apart (without breaking), to feel the full range that is a healthy interaction.

    Imagine there are two wholes – nothing missing: these can meet and connect and not have to merge. There can be an experience of sharing without losing anything. To know another in this way, as different from you and whole in themselves, is a powerful experience.

    To know another as different from you and whole in themselves is a powerful experience.

    It is enriching to learn and grow through difference. It means interactions stay fresh and exciting because the other is not like you. There is a possibility for some new insight or experience.

    When there is a merging there is a loss of identity, loss of needs, and often loss of passion. Many of us like the idea of merging and feeling completed by another but the reality is that we lose sight of the other and lose our own boundaries and sense of self if we do this for too long.

    There can be no real connection without the ability to see another as whole and from a distance.

    Disconnection

    Disconnection happens when we move too far away. Here are examples of when this may happen:

    • We’ve been merged for too long and need space (which is natural) but have gone into reaction
    • We have trust issues
    • We’ve never learned to connect
    • We fight instead of staying to learn about the other.

    Boundary

    In any experience or emotion it is though contrast that we know it exists. As Gestalt Psychotherapy says, experience is at the boundary between self and other.

    For example, if you put your hand in a bowl of water that is exactly blood temperature then you do not know it is in water. There is no difference between hand and world (water).

    And human connection is felt through our experience of the opposite. We understand joy because we have experienced sadness or sorrow.

    If we can allow ourselves to understand another wholly, not diminishing their difference, and not trying to change them, we can feel connected, whole and invigorated by our relationships.

    (The Madagascar Couple is at the The Met Museum. The quote from Chuang Tzu is from The Book of Chuang Tzu, tr. Martin Palmer, Penguin Books.)

  • Catching Things at the Beginning

    Catching Things at the Beginning

    Triggers

    Something we’ve found very useful when working with clients is getting them to tune into themselves to understand when they are getting triggered. We use the word “triggered” to identify when someone has an emotional reaction which may be unproductive (and is usually based on old patterns), in any situation, and then acts based on that trigger.

    The best way to start dealing with this is to raise awareness about where the trigger comes from, what is most likely to be a trigger for a particular person, and then, of course, what to do about it.

    This post is about how to notice things before they blow out of proportion and how to address them – to catch them at the beginning.

    The Tao Te Ching

    Continuing the theme from our last post on Wu-Wei, there’s a nice Taoist background to this. In Chapter 63 of the Tao Te Ching it says:

    The difficult problems of the world
    Must be dealt with while they are yet easy;
    The great problems of the world
    Must be dealt with while they are yet small.

    And in Chapter 64:

    Deal with a thing before it is there;
    Check disorder before it is rife.

    Starting at the Beginning…

    Sometimes it helps to understand where triggers come from. Looking to the beginning of our life might be a way to uncover how we operate in the world. But for the most part we can just work with what is here now, and not have to dig to find the origins (if in fact there is even a single cause).

    (This latter way of working, in the here-and-now, is more the Gestalt approach.)

    Working with the here-and-now we can start with each beginning: the beginning of a feeling, the first thought that arises that is negative, the first sensation that tells us we are uncomfortable. When we get awareness around this then there is a possibility of a different action. A new choice becomes available to us.

    The Picture

    Looking at the picture (above) that we took in Tasmania, we see a quiet perfection. This we could say is our natural state. Many things through a life can pollute our sense of ourselves or the environment and change how we perceive and react to our world. This photo represents for us a canvas on which we project our lives and concerns.

    If we take stock and can find a sense of our natural state (through therapy, meditation, art) then we can notice the disruptions to this natural state. We can watch for the changes no matter how minuscule they may appear. Attend now.

    When we see the faintest ripple on the water, check in. If we notice an intrusion to the natural scene, check in. We need to do this with ourselves and, if in relationship, with the other person.

    Practical Techniques

    You may be interested to read about some practical ways of exploring this internally and in relationship by reading our Three Simple Sentences post and our page on Meanings and Behaviours.

    Once we understand that there will always be ripples that come and go then we can attend to looking deeper and can make choices to do something different (or just let the ripples settle), rather than letting things build up or reacting too quickly.

    This is a creative process and it can become a habit that is well worth practicing.

    We suggest this as an alternative to working on “anger management”; an alternative to feeling disconnected, feeling resentment and experiencing a range of other problems that we see in therapy – when people have just let feelings and thoughts go unchecked and unnoticed.

    The Tao Te Ching translation is by Lin Yutang.

  • Wu-Wei and Couple Relationships

    Wu-Wei and Couple Relationships

    Wu-Wei and the Lake Como Storm

    We awoke one night at Lake Como this (Northern) summer to a powerful storm with endless rolling thunder. The air was lit with bright sheets of lightning, the rain hammered down, and the power in our apartment was cut off. This went on for hours, and all we could do was wait until morning, to get the power turned on again. (The picture above is from the balcony, the following morning.)

    This waiting, this “not doing”, we could see as an example of the Taoist idea of Wu-Wei. That night, “not doing” was all we could reasonably have done.

    As Alan Watts said:

    Wu-Wei, as “not forcing”, is what we mean by going with the grain, rolling with the punch, swimming with the current, trimming sails to the wind, taking the tide at its flood, and stooping to conquer. (Alan Watts, Tao, The Watercourse Way.)

    Couple Storms

    Interactions in couple relationships are always rich, often complex, and sometimes confusing and bewildering. Perhaps we think we’re just talking… but actually we may be pushing. Or maybe we think we’re just listening… but actually we’re not: we’re defending, we’re pushing back.

    And these dynamics in the couple can be lightning fast, highly triggering, and beset, also, with thunderous words.

    Wu-Wei and Couples Interactions

    Wu-Wei suggests an alternative. Wu-Wei suggests what we were forced to do at Lake Como: slow down, breathe, accept that any action we might take during the storm would be pointless.

    How this could look, in an interaction with our partner, is hard to generalise. But it could have the same quality of “not doing”, of switching to another perspective, another way of seeing the interaction.

    An Example: My Brilliant ideas!

    The Problem

    I regularly want to convince my partner about my latest great idea. I know how great and ground-breaking it is (as my ideas always are), so I just need to convince them to go along with it.

    But we always end up in this same situation, me working hard to get my point across, to show how great this idea is. And them pushing back and highlighting the flaws in the idea and really niggling me. It’s exhausting!

    So I Try Wu-Wei…

    However, reflecting on Wu-Wei, I might realise that having delivered my marvellous idea it might be better to “not do”, to “stoop to conquer”; to give my partner their freedom to process my idea, in their own way, and to allow them to respond when they are ready and, again, in their own way.

    Maybe this will work better. Maybe then my partner will enjoy me having these great ideas!

    And What I Discover…

    When I try the Wu-Wei approach, my partner doesn’t say much for a while. They say they need to think it through and will get back to me. Sometimes they come back hours later or even the next day.

    But when they do get back to me, I realise they’re now quite an expert on the idea, and guess what? They make the idea even better than what I’d thought of!

    I get to see that two heads are better than one. PLUS I get to see that our relationship can be creative and have great ideas, not just me.

    Wu-Wei is an Experiential Way

    The only way to see how a Wu-Wei approach could work is to try it. This is the experiential way: we shouldn’t be too theoretical about it. We can start simply by being open to the possibility of “not doing”, in any heated moment.

    Wu Wei and the Third Dimension
    Wu Wei is like the Shift from Perceiving Two to Three Dimensions

    In fact, as Alan Watts says, what’s really needed is just a simple shift of perspective. He uses the example of suddenly “getting” the three-dimensional perspective in a drawing, with just some simple extra lines being drawn with the pencil.

    What’s needed is just a simple shift of perspective.

    As Watts says:

    In line with Lao-tzu one might say “Superior Wu-Wei does not aim at Wu-Wei and so it truly is Wu-Wei.” (Tao, The Watercourse Way.)

    In other words, don’t overthink it. Instead, see if you can experience it!

    Zhuangzi and Emotions

    The Taoist sage Zhuangzi saw the connection between Wu-Wei and emotions. This is relevant in couple dynamics.

    The idea of following, of going along with, is something we can experiment with in our intimate interactions. Again, it can require just a simple perspective shift, as though from two dimensions to three, using observational tools (our awareness) which are as simple as the pencil.

    As Zhuangzi says:

    In the case of the body, it is best to let it go along with things. In the case of the emotions, it is best to let them follow where they will. By going along with things, you avoid becoming separated from them. By letting the emotions follow as they will, you avoid fatigue. (From The Mountain Tree, in Burton Watson’s translation of The Complete Works of Zhuangzi; our emphasis.)

    Letting the Emotions Follow

    Letting the emotions follow as they will is an example of Wu-Wei. If we can observe the emotions in our partner and let them be, this can help us ride out the storms in couple interactions. We can breathe through them, can enjoy the perspective shift and can stay refreshed in, and refreshed by, our dialogues with our partner.

    We might find we’re actually seeking out more dialogues with them, more creative conversations and connections. As always, let us know if you’d like help with this!