Shame

Often when we are in an argument with a loved one we feel attacked. This can create a number of possible behaviours. Much research has been done about what happens in our brains when we feel under attack, and feel a sense of worthlessness.

Responses to Shame

The possible responses can be broadly categorised as faun, flight, fight or freeze. We use one or more of these responses when under stress in our relationships. Our instinct is to protect ourselves when we feel in danger.

There may be a real or a perceived danger; our brains sometimes do not know the difference. This is why arguments (and needing to be right) can seem almost like life or death.

For example, if we imagine that our partner is not happy with us or thinks our behaviours are wrong we may retaliate and get angry and blame, or we may defend or disengage. Our survival mechanisms are coming into play.

Meanings and Behaviours

Our responses feed into the Couple Interactions model: our partner makes meanings about the behaviours associated with our stress. If these behaviours are not understood for what they are (primitive defensive strategies) they can escalate further.

A Primitive Response

Shame is a primitive response to feeling unsupported, and is now being studied more than it has been in the past. The concept of ground shame refers to a non-specific sense of being inadequate and unsupported that is often deeply hidden from our partner and even from us. It’s caustic for relationships and often requires deep and subtle work to access.

Above all, it requires trust in the process and in the therapeutic container as being reliable.