Psychotherapy & Counselling for Individuals & Couples
Articles on communication.
We’ve just published an article on couples therapy & what to expect if you come to us to work on your intimate relationship .
It’s about a 7 minute read and hopefully should give some useful background to couples therapy in general and in particular the way in which both of us with couples.
Here are some related articles we’ve written on couples therapy:
One of the big themes we see in Counselling and Psychotherapy with both couples and individuals is a difficulty in accepting and dealing with difference, and the conflicts associated with this.
This post is a short meditation on difference.
Here are some examples from Counselling that could be signs of underlying difficulties in accepting difference:
Usually difference itself is not the problem.
Difference is what creates attraction, but it also creates tension. It can be what makes us complementary or the thing that tears us apart.
Usually difference itself is not the problem. The problem is that we struggle with how to handle difference. We become uncomfortable with it.
Generally, to deal with our discomfort around difference, we try to:
When we change ourselves we lose our authenticity and sense of meaning.
When we try to change another to be like us we are not seeing the other wholly. We may feel threatened by their different way of thinking or being.
Not only do we see these attempted solutions playing out in personal relationships, but we see it in business and even global political situations. And countries are very ready to go to war over political/religious difference.
The image we’ve chosen above is of a carved wooden monument set in a place of honour near the house of a clan elder in Madagascar. The idea is that it becomes a focal point for acceptance of changes – important events in village life where accepting difference is required for changes such as puberty.
(The monument is in the Met Museum, Fifth Avenue, NYC.)
As the description says:
Set side by side, these figures engage the viewer with their intense expressions and deeply recessed eyes. Their subtle stylization simultaneously unifies them and amplifies what makes them different, producing an eloquent statement on the fundamental complementarity of man and woman.
As the centerpiece of circumcision rights performed to promote the virility of each generation, the couple emphasizes the importance of the male-female partnership in assuring the community’s future.
The figures’ nudity, striking in a region where textiles are a fundamental element of identity, serves to further underscore these timeless and universal themes of fertility and regeneration.
The quote suggests complimentarity is an important aspect of the life of the community. (The bolding on “different” above are ours.)
Moving to a Taoist viewpoint (and continuing our recent theme on the Tao), here’s Chuang Tzu on difference:
Fish can live in water quite contentedly, but if people try it, they die, for different beings need different contexts which are right and proper for them. This is why the ancient sages never expected just one response from the rest of the creatures nor tried to make them conform.
Titles should not be over-stretched in trying to capture reality and ideas should be only applied when appropriate…
(Chapter 18, Perfect Happiness, in The Book of Chuang Tzu.)
Chuang Tzu was interested in the issue of difference in 300 BC, and even then referred to “the ancient sages”. We are dealing with a very old concern!
The paradox is that connection can only be felt with a space for distance. There needs to be an ability to come together and to pull apart (without breaking), to feel the full range that is a healthy interaction.
Imagine there are two wholes – nothing missing: these can meet and connect and not have to merge. There can be an experience of sharing without losing anything. To know another in this way, as different from you and whole in themselves, is a powerful experience.
To know another as different from you and whole in themselves is a powerful experience.
It is enriching to learn and grow through difference. It means interactions stay fresh and exciting because the other is not like you. There is a possibility for some new insight or experience.
When there is a merging there is a loss of identity, loss of needs, and often loss of passion. Many of us like the idea of merging and feeling completed by another but the reality is that we lose sight of the other and lose our own boundaries and sense of self if we do this for too long.
There can be no real connection without the ability to see another as whole and from a distance.
Disconnection happens when we move too far away. Here are examples of when this may happen:
In any experience or emotion it is though contrast that we know it exists. As Gestalt Psychotherapy says, experience is at the boundary between self and other.
For example, if you put your hand in a bowl of water that is exactly blood temperature then you do not know it is in water. There is no difference between hand and world (water).
And human connection is felt through our experience of the opposite. We understand joy because we have experienced sadness or sorrow.
If we can allow ourselves to understand another wholly, not diminishing their difference, and not trying to change them, we can feel connected, whole and invigorated by our relationships.
(The Madagascar Couple is at the The Met Museum. The quote from Chuang Tzu is from The Book of Chuang Tzu, tr. Martin Palmer, Penguin Books.)
We awoke one night at Lake Como this (Northern) summer to a powerful storm with endless rolling thunder. The air was lit with bright sheets of lightning, the rain hammered down, and the power in our apartment was cut off. This went on for hours, and all we could do was wait until morning, to get the power turned on again. (The picture above is from the balcony, the following morning.)
This waiting, this “not doing”, we could see as an example of the Taoist idea of Wu-Wei. That night, “not doing” was all we could reasonably have done.
As Alan Watts said:
Wu-Wei, as “not forcing”, is what we mean by going with the grain, rolling with the punch, swimming with the current, trimming sails to the wind, taking the tide at its flood, and stooping to conquer. (Alan Watts, Tao, The Watercourse Way.)
Interactions in couple relationships are always rich, often complex, and sometimes confusing and bewildering. Perhaps we think we’re just talking… but actually we may be pushing. Or maybe we think we’re just listening… but actually we’re not: we’re defending, we’re pushing back.
And these dynamics in the couple can be lightning fast, highly triggering, and beset, also, with thunderous words.
Wu-Wei suggests an alternative. Wu-Wei suggests what we were forced to do at Lake Como: slow down, breathe, accept that any action we might take during the storm would be pointless.
How this could look, in an interaction with our partner, is hard to generalise. But it could have the same quality of “not doing”, of switching to another perspective, another way of seeing the interaction.
I regularly want to convince my partner about my latest great idea. I know how great and ground-breaking it is (as my ideas always are), so I just need to convince them to go along with it.
But we always end up in this same situation, me working hard to get my point across, to show how great this idea is. And them pushing back and highlighting the flaws in the idea and really niggling me. It’s exhausting!
However, reflecting on Wu-Wei, I might realise that having delivered my marvellous idea it might be better to “not do”, to “stoop to conquer”; to give my partner their freedom to process my idea, in their own way, and to allow them to respond when they are ready and, again, in their own way.
Maybe this will work better. Maybe then my partner will enjoy me having these great ideas!
When I try the Wu-Wei approach, my partner doesn’t say much for a while. They say they need to think it through and will get back to me. Sometimes they come back hours later or even the next day.
But when they do get back to me, I realise they’re now quite an expert on the idea, and guess what? They make the idea even better than what I’d thought of!
I get to see that two heads are better than one. PLUS I get to see that our relationship can be creative and have great ideas, not just me.
The only way to see how a Wu-Wei approach could work is to try it. This is the experiential way: we shouldn’t be too theoretical about it. We can start simply by being open to the possibility of “not doing”, in any heated moment.
Wu Wei is like the Shift from Perceiving Two to Three Dimensions
In fact, as Alan Watts says, what’s really needed is just a simple shift of perspective. He uses the example of suddenly “getting” the three-dimensional perspective in a drawing, with just some simple extra lines being drawn with the pencil.
What’s needed is just a simple shift of perspective.
As Watts says:
In line with Lao-tzu one might say “Superior Wu-Wei does not aim at Wu-Wei and so it truly is Wu-Wei.” (Tao, The Watercourse Way.)
In other words, don’t overthink it. Instead, see if you can experience it!
The Taoist sage Zhuangzi saw the connection between Wu-Wei and emotions. This is relevant in couple dynamics.
The idea of following, of going along with, is something we can experiment with in our intimate interactions. Again, it can require just a simple perspective shift, as though from two dimensions to three, using observational tools (our awareness) which are as simple as the pencil.
As Zhuangzi says:
In the case of the body, it is best to let it go along with things. In the case of the emotions, it is best to let them follow where they will. By going along with things, you avoid becoming separated from them. By letting the emotions follow as they will, you avoid fatigue. (From The Mountain Tree, in Burton Watson’s translation of The Complete Works of Zhuangzi; our emphasis.)
Letting the emotions follow as they will is an example of Wu-Wei. If we can observe the emotions in our partner and let them be, this can help us ride out the storms in couple interactions. We can breathe through them, can enjoy the perspective shift and can stay refreshed in, and refreshed by, our dialogues with our partner.
We might find we’re actually seeking out more dialogues with them, more creative conversations and connections. As always, let us know if you’d like help with this!
In this post we hope to convey the subtle power of reflective listening – a safe and simple technique that couples can learn with us and practice at home.
When couples come to us saying they have communication issues it is usually due to one or two of the following reasons:
Here we’ll describe a simple method we teach to our clients that addresses the third issue above, communication itself.
If something is important enough to fight about this means it is important for the couple to work on. A healthy couple listens to their partner’s concerns. If it matters to one person then it is worth the time needed for the other person to understand.
Simply put, in bad communication we spend most of our energy getting our point across, or defending ourselves. We don’t listen to the other person. And since we already know what we think, we are learning nothing.
If the other person is upset it usually means we don’t really understand what is going on for them at a feeling level.
Reflective Listening is about getting to the heart of the misunderstanding, and finding out (underneath this) what’s actually happening for the other person.
In Reflective Listening done well we can have the uncanny feeling of suddenly coming to the position of a third person, of breaking through an impasse. The “argument” becomes dissolved because we’re no longer in it – we’ve dropped beneath it in a simple yet subtly powerful way.
As one partner might say (in a relieved and positive voice) “I had no idea you we’re thinking that!” or “I had no idea and it makes me really sad to hear you felt that way”.
Reflective Listening is effectively a slowed down conversation requiring time and attention.
This exercise can help build trust if used correctly.
Because it’s a conversation there’s a speaker and a listener. One chooses to speak first while the other listens. (Later, you’ll swap roles.)
Now it’s time to swap roles. The speaker becomes the listener and the listener becomes the speaker.
Once the second speaker is done, the first speaker may want to go again.The process continues in this open-ended way until both partners have completed what they wanted to say and both feel they have been listened to correctly (from the feedback they’ve received from the listener).
Essentially, it’s checking in with ourselves, because we have the time to think about what is most important to say. We are really listening and giving time to understand each other more deeply.
This process may take anything from 5 minutes or 30 minutes.
Once you have mastered the skill of Reflective Listening then you can use it in daily interactions, as a single sentence (“So what I’m hearing you say is…”). Just check in when you are not sure you understand what is happening for your partner.
Or you can ask your partner to reflect back what you have said, if you feel it is important and want to make sure they are not making assumptions or jumping to conclusions.
Couples who take the effort to follow the steps of Reflective Listening carefully can be in for some positive surprises. They feel differently after the process. It may take some time and practice at the beginning but it is well worth the effort.
Once a couple gets familiar with the practice and knows that talking is safe it can be used just to check that you really have understood what is happening for the other person. It ultimately saves a huge amount of time arguing and the pain of feeling misunderstood.
Reflective listening is simple but takes practice. It is a way of showing that you want to resolve an issue and not just “have your say”.
Reflective listening is a way of showing that you want to resolve an issue and not just “have your say”.
Some couples struggle at the beginning to break their negative habits of interrupting, dismissing and rushing in to fix a problem with a practical solution – rather than staying with their partner while the real answer unfolds. But keep practicing!
We are of course happy to help couples practice Reflective Listening, but you can also try this at home.
As we approach the summer holiday season (in Australia at least) it’s worth remembering that even in the best of times, with few exceptions, we as couples need to practice the principles of couple security.
In this post we’d like to comment on some of these principles, as 10 tips for secure couples.
The need is even greater for some when on holiday, with the potentially added complexities of increased time together and extended family.
With that in mind, here are some great examples of secure principles from the book Attached (Amir Levine and Rachel Heller), one we recommend to couples looking to find out more about Adult Attachment.
And we wish you a happy holiday!
This tip’s aimed more towards Avoidant types, who might think that, with potentially more family interactions, they need more “alone time” as a balance. And perhaps in some ways they are right, feeling that things (maybe including their partner) are too demanding, too busy, too noisy.
The key for an Avoidant type at this time is to communicate openly and honestly to their partner what’s happening for them. An Avoidant needs to be open and emotionally available even if only for some moments.
With the stress of organising social events, an overtly Anxious partner may decide it’s time to “check in” repeatedly on their possibly Avoidant partner. (Is all this stuff going to get done?) This action is likely to be counter-productive, and will reduce the trust the Avoidant person feels for the situation and for the couple’s security, because they’ll be overwhelmed.
The key is to make an agreement about how and when check-ins will occur, an agreement that suits both styles.
Especially in times of high family expectations, it’s easy to fall into defensive strategies such as belittling, acting hostile or disdainful, and minimising emotional sharing. Yet at this time there are huge bonuses to be had in acting encouragingly and in a supportive way.
A common Avoidant response is to find a partner’s advances needy and pathetic. The Avoidant tries to gain distance by discouraging and by trying to keep the partner “in their place”. The effect can be devastating on the other partner and on the relationship.
Alternatively, the Avoidant can practice finding the positive in the other. This ironically helps them too!
Knowing what your attachment style is a useful pointer to where you’ll be vulnerable to ineffective communication. What are the situations that trigger you, especially at this time of the year? How does your attachment style then play out? How do you lose out by following the game plan of your style?
Effective communication comes out of challenging the assumptions you’ve made.
This is another way of saying: Don’t act out. Don’t fall into the trap of engaging in secondary arguments that are about point scoring and winning or losing. These secondary arguments often leave the underlying issues completely unaddressed.
It comes as a surprise to some people that they can take responsibility for the well-being of their partner, and often (without a huge amount of effort) powerfully increase the sense of well-being in that other person.
This in turn increases their own sense of well-being, when they see they can evoke such positive effects. Another way of saying this is “Have each others’ back”.
Be courageous and honest in your interactions. Dig into feelings and be available to share them. The Three Simple Sentences are a great way of doing this.
Having a sense of partnership in solving a problem – be it who’s going to be invited to a social event or how the household chores are going to be done – not only solves the problem but builds couple security.
Stick to the issue – which is usually about one or both partners feeling under-resourced and not attended to.
Attend to your partner’s upsets before they escalate. Learn to attend to the moments in the other when their attachment style is triggered – and get in first to prevent the spread of fire.
Efforts spent in creating and maintaining secure couples attachment pays back dividends for all concerned (including other family members) and can be critical during holiday periods. We hope these 10 tips for secure couples are helpful!
We’ve been wanting a simple primer for attachment theory for a while, and while there are several really good books around, not everyone wants to read a whole book on the subject to get an idea of what it’s about.
We also wanted to give our view of this topic, after ten years of working with couples, and increasingly finding attachment theory to be a useful model for understanding what goes on in the sometimes mysterious interactions between partners in an intimate relationship.
So we’ve added a new page to the web site: An Adult Attachment Primer.
Couples often fight about how they fight. In doing this, they’re not usually fighting about the actual issues in the relationship. They come to therapy speaking of the “communication” issues that they have. This is often a pointer to the fact that they’re “spinning their wheels” on secondary concerns, while below the surface the the primary attachment issues are playing out and are remaining unaddressed.
These primary issues are often about how people handle stress and conflict in an intimate relationship.
The Adult Attachment Primer doesn’t describe everything we do with couples. Attachment theory offers just one model, but it can be a very useful one, particularly when two people’s attachment styles are very different (and even when they are the same).
The model can be very useful when two people’s attachment styles are different
For example, it can help to see how one person in a relationship might be driven to repair a disruption with the other, while the other person might be driven to withdraw from contact to reduce stress. The partners can start to see what the drivers are for themselves and for the other person.
Click here for The Primer, which explains the diagram at the top of this post.
If you’d like to understand how these issues may be playing out in your relationship, please give us a call.
We’ve been thinking since our last post The Gold in “Seeing Through” about how often we misunderstand one another and create problems and pain where these could be avoided. This raised the issue of how we can miss that our partner has asked a serious question that hinges on security.
One way this happens is by not understanding what our partner is really asking of us.
In relationships we sometimes use “security” questions to try to create a feeling of stability and to reduce feelings of insecurity. Stan Takin, an American researcher and clinician, talks about this in his workshops and on his blog.
The sense of stability, safety and security in a relationship can be fragile; and more so when there’s been a breach of trust or a lack of emotional or physical intimacy for some time. When the stakes are high, emotional reactions escalate quickly and both partners can feel more hurt, pressured, or responsible.
So if there’s a tendency for one partner to feel insecure, or if something has happened to push the relationship off balance, then this type of question is something to look for.
Often what might happen is a person will ask a security question and their partner will answer with a reality answer. Sometimes this can be appropriate, but often it just creates a feeling of further distance and heartbreak.
A reality question could be “Which restaurant are we eating in tonight” Or “What time are we expected at our friends house?”
The reality answer would be easy enough to figure out, for example, “That Thai restaurant we went to last month” or “They said we should be there around 6.”
A security question could be along the lines of “Do you love me?”, “Will you keep hurting me?” or, “Daddy, will I die?”
What a person (or child) is looking for in asking a security question is not a literal answer, but connection and safety. If we do not answer them with this in mind we could create a rift, which could take time to heal.
To give a security answer is to reassure, and not necessarily to give the reality answer at all. It is not lying, but it is offering an emotional connection rather than the literal answer. For example: “Of course I love you”, and “No, you will not die for a long, long time.”
Imagine now the difference if one were to answer the security question with a reality answer. The “Do you love me?” question could instigate a disaster.
That is not to say one shouldn’t say the truth. One may need to bring things into the open so they can be dealt with, but seeing the difference between wanting your partner to feel insecure and wanting to repair and fix any issues that might be creating the feeling of distance are two different things. Seeing the difference between the issues and the person is important.
For example one might say, “I love you and I find some of the ways we interact hurtful and I want us to work on them.” Or “Yes, I love you and I still want to be able to talk about how we can support each other better.”
Watch whether you stay connected and are feeling that you’re a team rather than opponents. Feeling criticized or not accepted by our partner makes it hard to feel close and want to work on things. Stability is important in dealing with difficult issues.
Current research says we have only a matter of milliseconds to respond to a security question.
Outside of this time, and/or if we hear a reply that’s over complicated, contradictory, qualified, evasive, or lacking in confidence or seriousness – then things start to feel unstable.
Recognising whether a question is a reality question or a security question can take time and practice. If you’d like to understand more about these dynamics, about feeling closer, and about not keeping the status quo of discomfort, pain or resentment, please feel free to contact us for an appointment. You might also like to read our Attachment Primer for more on secure relationships.
(The image is a detail from Sergey Solomko’s A Serious Question.)
We recently received a call from a man, from a troubled couple we’d previously worked with, to say that they were off on an exotic trip to get married!
The relationship had been characterised by stormy outbursts on the part of the woman, and subsequent anger and retreat on the part of the man. The beast that had been unleashed, when they’d decided to get together, had bewildered both of them.
And we were gratified that this man felt the work we’d done with them had contributed, in part at least, to this newfound intimacy and wanted to let us know.
“What made the difference?” we asked.
“Well” said the man, “It finally clicked that I didn’t have to take her outbursts literally. I started to see them as a cry for closeness and soothing. I started to see through them to the young girl who wanted to be held, told everything is ok, and shown that she is worthy of being loved.”
“It finally clicked that I didn’t have to take her outbursts literally.”
What a great place to get to! With this man’s insight and understanding the dynamic between the two of them was changed.
Of course, if it were always this simple, many more people would come to such realisations and their relationships would be immediately transformed. But the problem is that before this man’s realisation, his negative reactions were so quick, so out of his awareness, that he was unable to do anything other than what he’d always done – withdraw in hurt, to lick his wounds and consider his options.
And from the woman’s point of view, his seething anger and subsequent withdrawal were evidence of all her fears come true; that in fact she was not capable of being held, that everything was not ok, and that she was in fact unworthy of love.
Our work in the room had been about slowing down the whole process of their fast and painful cycles of attack and retreat – enough so that they could gain an insight into what each of them was doing.
Speed is a big negative factor in such out of control couple dynamics. When we are triggered into fight or flight reactions then our old brain (amygdala), on autopilot, takes action below the level of consciousness. And it takes action quickly, to help restore balance for the individual. This individual balance may, however, not serve the relationship.
That’s why it’s so valuable for couples to get involved in exercises (which we can offer) to slow the negative processes down and show the couple how the processes can be investigated and reconsidered.
And since this is not a gender issue, it is a valuable lesson for anyone. Each of us has a part that might be trying to get what we need in the way of love and soothing – but we often try in ways that are misread or misunderstood. The man in this case saw through the upset of his partner and was able to not take it personally. And the dynamic can be broken when either person, at any moment, can see through to the part of the other person that is crying out (maybe yelling or throwing a tantrum) for love and understanding.
The dynamic can be broken when either person, at any moment, can see through to the part of the other person that is crying out…
This man also felt confused at the responses of his partner to his actions. When the couple could slow down enough to see what was going on, both could see their part and not take it so personally.
If you can recognise this cycle in your relationship then outside assistance can help break the habit and unconscious responses to each other.
These can otherwise be so destructive and painful for both parties in a relationship.
We wrote in Being Right and Being Wrong about the dynamics that occur between the partners in a couple relationship, and about going beyond right and wrong.
We want to go into more depth on this topic. Let’s start with A Course in Miracles, which says:
Reason will tell you that the only way to escape from misery is to recognise it and go the other way. (T–22.II.4.)
Despite repeatedly seeing that there’s something happening with our partner that’s locked and is producing undesirable results (arguments or worse), again and again we batten down the hatches. We take on siege thinking.
What if we could see another way? What could happen in our relationship if we could really do something different? Insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting to get a different result. So, what if we could really listen rather than trying to get our point of view across to the other person; what if we could forgive when we want to blame; what would happen if we could let our defences down when we most want to protect ourselves? A miracle could occur.
Why do we repeatedly do what doesn’t work? Because at some point, for a time, it did work. Growing up we had to learn to cope with situations we could not change, with people who had all the power – our parents or other carers. Creative adaptations are ways we learned to cope when we were young, to deal with our environment. In Gestalt we call these “creative” because they worked well in the original situation. But we tend to carry these ways of being on in our lives and expect that they will continue to work. In fact we may no longer even be aware of so doing – adaptations can become such habits that we believe there IS no other way.
How do we go the other way if we believe what we do works, if we’ve invested in it and it has worked before? We usually try to change the other person. We imagine if they change all will be well and that’s where we invest our energy. And that is what leads to arguments, held positions, stubbornness and pain. Going the other way means seeing what we do, how we defend, what we imagine we will gain; and doing the opposite. It means gently opening up to understanding ourselves and our partner better.
Going the other way means seeing what we do, how we defend, what we imagine we will gain; and doing the opposite.
Going the other way means first that we have to recognise and become aware of our beliefs about what we can expect from the environment… or our partner. For example, we may have a belief that if we are vulnerable our partner will use this against us later. Or we may think that if we said what we really feel, or disclose something that is important to us, our partner will judge us or worse, leave us.
Maybe we could keep the word “creative” and think about how to use it differently. We support the idea of creative disagreement as an important tool to understanding ourselves and our partners better. Then disagreement can be something welcomed rather than feared. Learning that we can grow closer through difference is often a surprise to our clients, but imagine knowing from experience that you can grow closer and learn rather than feeling that disagreements lead always to full blown arguments, where both get hurt and nothing is actually resolved.
What people fight about tells a lot about their core values and sense of themselves. If we are not afraid to have a difference of opinion then we can truly build intimacy in a relationship. We can discover all manner of treasures in our partner if we are willing to see how they are different from us. That is part of the beauty of a relationship: not imagining we know everything about the other person (or even that we should) but that there’s always more to discover.
But first we have to be willing to go the other way, which means to not defend ourselves against our partner, not blame them for our feelings, not ask them to change to make us more comfortable and less fearful or less jealous. It requires a deep willingness to look at ourselves and discover what the treasure is that we are trying to protect by fighting – and equally be willing to see what the treasure is that our partner is defending. This is where the love is, the intimacy, the delicacy of the relationship. And it requires time, care and attention to allow this to flower and grow.
So when we’re finally tired of suffering, when nothing else is working, there is this alternative – go the other way. This means to do the very thing that may seem the most counter-intuitive at the time. It means dropping the attack / defence position we’re holding. And it always entails dropping from the head (thinking) to the heart (feeling). It can only be practiced (rather than just thought about).
To do the very thing that may seem the most counter-intuitive at the time…
We’re not saying it is easy to change. It requires patience (towards ourselves and our partner) while digging to find our defences. It requires sensitivity and care not to crush blossoming openness and to trust when our partner is vulnerable. It requires a fierce courage to show all of ourselves when we think we could be criticised or misunderstood.
But we have supported many couples through this process and travelled this road ourselves. We have experienced this process first hand and have seen miraculous results. If you are willing to go this way, the other way, you too can find a new type of peace in yourself and with others. And if you want some support – you know where to find us!
(Image: A Knight At the Crossroads, 1878, Viktor Vasnetsov – detail)
It’s that time of year again, the festive season. Families get together to celebrate, partners negotiate how to deal with competing needs.
Let’s consider how we may consciously or unconsciously give to get – instead of just giving from our hearts with no need for anything in return.
Relationships are often built on agreements of what is “right or wrong”, what can be spoken about or needs to be “swept under the carpet” and ignored, and what one must do to get what they think they need.
We would like to propose a different way: give just to give and let getting take care of itself. If both partners are truly in a space of giving than getting need not be worried about.
If we are really honest with ourselves, and look deeply at what motivates us, then we may see that often giving has motivations tied in with it that we may have been overlooking. For example, we may give in the hope that others will like us more, we may give to diffuse an argument, or to make us feel safer in some way. All of these essentially are giving to get.
The deals we think we have to make in a relationship can be killers of intimacy. Even if our partner is ok with a deal, it’s still a deal, coming with its set of agreed rules. The rules determine the field of play, limiting the action to what’s been agreed. And if either party breaks the rules, there’s usually a price to pay.
Wanting to get at the material level is one thing, but wanting or needing to get at an emotional level is quite another. A truly loving relationship is impossible when based on demand, either subtle or obvious. Such pseudo-love is merely a bargain: “You be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you, but, if you cease to please me, I may go away.”
Spiritual traditions see it another way. A Course in Miracles, for example, states it plainly (in the Workbook, Lesson 349):
… thus do I obey the law of love, and give what I would find and make my own. It will be given me, because I have chosen it as the gift I want to give.
To give up on getting can be a huge relief in a relationship. And it takes only one person to start! Then, to actively practice giving can be a powerful next step, and a further cause for relief.
We’re not talking here of giving as a strategy for getting – that’s still getting! We’re asking: Can I find a way for my focus to be on giving as a primary practice in my relationships? And can I be happy just with that?
Don’t forget to give to yourself! We are often seeking something from another that only we can give ourselves. It may be approval, a deep sense of love and acceptance, or understanding. No one else can get it right for us all the time.
When we start to notice that we are giving in the hope of getting something back we can explore how we might give to ourselves. And from that place of having what we need, it is easy to give. In this way we can let any subsequent giving take care of itself.
We wish you, our readers, a peaceful end to the year. Thanks for checking out our articles.
(Cartoon: Bernie Wiseman, New Yorker Cartoon, 18 April 1953)